I don't pretend to understand the humans. They have habits so strange as to be beyond the conception of even unusually intelligent beings such as myself. They submerse themselves completely in water for a bath rather than using their perfectly good tongues, they use strange instruments to deliver food to their mouths rather than going the easy route and just putting their face down to the meal, and they sit for hours at a time staring at a colourful box in the corner that speaks to them in their own language.These are not habits that a cat can understand, and certainly not ones that he can participate with. Luckily, however, there comes the odd behaviour that can be quite entertaining to a feline. One such behaviour that comes to mind is the act of "gift giving." A strange ritual that the humans engage in on a seemingly random basis.
Now naturally, when offerings in any form are brought out, one must assume that they are for me. With opposable thumbs, humans can get whatever they want whenever they want it. But felines, while a superior race, are somewhat limited in the thumb department, so occasionally we must deign to accept something from the humans. If we're lucky, this includes food, catnip, and intellectual stimulation in the form a training device that rolls quickly across the floor emitting a bell-like sound.
Strange then that my offerings would be presented to me in a paper bag that I am told I cannot play with. And this wooden frame that I am told I cannot bite. Buried beneath this very light, crunchy paper that I am told I cannot tear apart with my exceptionally strong, white teeth.What game are these humans playing at? Who offers an esteemed being catnip and training devices and then conceals them within items that they claim are not for his amusement? It is this brand of mind games that sets the humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. If a cat has an offering for their human, they tend to leave it somewhere visible and easily accessible, and they don't bother "wrapping" it, or disguising it in any way. A dead mouse is a dead mouse, you can't pretty that up. Perhaps it's not the most desirable gift (and humans rarely seem grateful for it), but at least it's honest. Not that I like mice, dead or otherwise, and thankfully have never seen one up close, but that's beside the point.
The point is that after all of my detective work, trying to find out how to claim my bounty without upsetting the humans by chewing their "wrappings," I am informed that these gifts are in fact not for me! What levels of deceit these humans will stoop to. To lead an innocent cat on for so long and then crush his hopes at the very end. To not even throw him a piece of crunchy paper to play with. How can they sleep at night?Oh yes.... sleep at night. Of course. The time when humans are at their most vulnerable. Well then, I shall plot my revenge to fall upon this time when they are helplessly cast upon my mercy.... And my vengeance shall be swift.
