Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Master of Disguise

In a world filled with adoration of my humble self, I often need to find a quiet space in which to have a nap or organize my profound thoughts. Obvious hiding places are easily found out by the humans, so I have had to become quite creative. Even to the point of disguising myself among ordinary objects.

Take, for instance, my attempt to blend as a roll of paper towel in an empty bag labeled thus. This one withstood for fully five minutes.

Unfortunately, even with my supreme powers of the brain, the humans are often able to seek me out. While I naturally appreciate this concern for my well being, it can be quite frustrating.

They have found me hiding in a box under the guise of an apple.

They somehow discovered that Stetta and I were having a nap cleverly disguised as balls of yarn inside a couch drawer ostensibly placed there for that purpose.

They caught me one day sneaking into the dishwasher, though I clearly looked like just another clean plate.

And they found me asleep in a drawer in the bathroom, somehow picking me out from among the other hairbrushes....

But there is one trick, one hiding place, one disguise that the humans have yet to decode. The highly complicated and incredibly rare art of "If I can't see you, you can't see me." Something to do with increased invisibility. I won't bore you with the details. You wouldn't understand.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

How does your garden grow?

As King of this humble establishment, I demand certain amenities that are fitting to my station. Everyone knows that Kings have large, perfectly manicured gardens that they may wander through and gaze upon at their royal leisure. Gardens meant to bring some gentle aspect of the wild into their space in a way that is pleasing to the eye, and if possible, to the pallet.

Thus, I felt it well within my rights to demand such a garden be created and maintained on my back porch so that I may enjoy it as I see fit.

The humans acquiesced, procuring some barrels and tubs and filling them with good, dark dirt so that I could choose which plants and seeds would be most pleasing to me. As with most tasks the humans take on, this one required my close supervision to ensure that it was done properly. They would have, in all probability, forgotten the basil completely had I not reminded them of its necessity. After all, what is an herb garden without basil?

It took quite some time for the humans to finish planting and watering. I kept a close eye on them, pointing out which flowers should go where and nudging them towards items that needed more water. I'm quite particular about the placement of my greenery and I like a pattern to my flowers. They're more pleasing to the eyes that way, which is one of the major purposes of a garden, after all.

After a few long hours of hard labour on my part, I was finally able to take a well deserved rest. And now I can enjoy my fabulous garden for months to come.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The art of the game...

As any normal, warm blooded feline, I deal with a great deal of boredom on a daily basis. Yes, some of it is feigned boredom for the sake of the humans - we wouldn't want them getting too comfortable, now would we? But then there is the legitimate boredom that affects a cat with a lot of time on his paws and no ready access to the outside world. We must find new and different pastimes to entertain ourselves with. Pastimes worthy of our intellect.

One such activity which I recently discovered is the somewhat complex game of backgammon. Games of the board variety are not often left out for me to stumble upon, but this one just happened to be sitting out (quite coincidentally on one of those lovely days when a human decides to take my picture - my glorious, gorgeous picture). I gave it a good look over, instinctively picking up on the rules of the game.

There are dice, those funny little cubes with the bug-like spots on them. There are coins, just like human money, but seemingly useless when applied to the purchasing of turkey treats... There is a box that opens, lined with soft felt that I like to put my feet on. And there are markings for where the coins go. It's a two cat game, one colour per cat.

Learning to roll the dice and move the pieces took a bit of concentration, but with my generous helping of gray matter, I mastered that in no time. My feline friend and companion, Stetta, also picked up on the rules and the art of piece moving, and we were ready to play.

A few rousing games later, and it became clear to me that my feline companion had seemed to grasp the rules and skill of the game rather too well. If the scores are to be believed, she was victorious three times out of four. I maintain that she cheated, though I haven't quite figured out how...

However, there is always a weakness in any opponent, and I intend to keep at it until I have figured out hers and soundly beaten her. A day which will surely come swiftly given my dedication and supreme intelligence.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Gift That Keeps On Giving....

I don't pretend to understand the humans. They have habits so strange as to be beyond the conception of even unusually intelligent beings such as myself. They submerse themselves completely in water for a bath rather than using their perfectly good tongues, they use strange instruments to deliver food to their mouths rather than going the easy route and just putting their face down to the meal, and they sit for hours at a time staring at a colourful box in the corner that speaks to them in their own language.

These are not habits that a cat can understand, and certainly not ones that he can participate with. Luckily, however, there comes the odd behaviour that can be quite entertaining to a feline. One such behaviour that comes to mind is the act of "gift giving." A strange ritual that the humans engage in on a seemingly random basis.

Now naturally, when offerings in any form are brought out, one must assume that they are for me. With opposable thumbs, humans can get whatever they want whenever they want it. But felines, while a superior race, are somewhat limited in the thumb department, so occasionally we must deign to accept something from the humans. If we're lucky, this includes food, catnip, and intellectual stimulation in the form a training device that rolls quickly across the floor emitting a bell-like sound.

Strange then that my offerings would be presented to me in a paper bag that I am told I cannot play with. And this wooden frame that I am told I cannot bite. Buried beneath this very light, crunchy paper that I am told I cannot tear apart with my exceptionally strong, white teeth.

What game are these humans playing at? Who offers an esteemed being catnip and training devices and then conceals them within items that they claim are not for his amusement? It is this brand of mind games that sets the humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. If a cat has an offering for their human, they tend to leave it somewhere visible and easily accessible, and they don't bother "wrapping" it, or disguising it in any way. A dead mouse is a dead mouse, you can't pretty that up. Perhaps it's not the most desirable gift (and humans rarely seem grateful for it), but at least it's honest. Not that I like mice, dead or otherwise, and thankfully have never seen one up close, but that's beside the point.

The point is that after all of my detective work, trying to find out how to claim my bounty without upsetting the humans by chewing their "wrappings," I am informed that these gifts are in fact not for me! What levels of deceit these humans will stoop to. To lead an innocent cat on for so long and then crush his hopes at the very end. To not even throw him a piece of crunchy paper to play with. How can they sleep at night?

Oh yes.... sleep at night. Of course. The time when humans are at their most vulnerable. Well then, I shall plot my revenge to fall upon this time when they are helplessly cast upon my mercy.... And my vengeance shall be swift.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Same CAT time, same CAT channel.....

Not everyone can be a super hero. Oh sure, you can save a kid from drowning or help a little old lady across a busy street, but that's just regular every day stuff. Super heroes have much more dangerous, secret, and impressive lives and duties. Things like redirecting asteroids to save the planet and holding up falling buildings. That is the kind of super hero I am.

A big part of being a super hero is keeping your true identity a secret. That is, of course, how a super hero maintains a sense of normalcy and keeps the throngs of paparazzi at bay. Recently, however, I made a slip up and was seen in my cape.

With a bit of quick thinking and ingenuity, I was able to turn this otherwise catastrophic event into something seemingly harmless. I located the nearest box and settled in, giving the humans the illusion that I was merely resting and enjoyed being covered in a "blanket" for warmth.

This seemed to work well, no uncomfortable questions followed, and I think (for now) my super hero identity remains secure. But I'll be keeping one eye open, just in case.....