How does your garden grow?

As King of this humble establishment, I demand certain amenities that are fitting to my station. Everyone knows that Kings have large, perfectly manicured gardens that they may wander through and gaze upon at their royal leisure. Gardens meant to bring some gentle aspect of the wild into their space in a way that is pleasing to the eye, and if possible, to the pallet.

Thus, I felt it well within my rights to demand such a garden be created and maintained on my back porch so that I may enjoy it as I see fit.

The humans acquiesced, procuring some barrels and tubs and filling them with good, dark dirt so that I could choose which plants and seeds would be most pleasing to me. As with most tasks the humans take on, this one required my close supervision to ensure that it was done properly. They would have, in all probability, forgotten the basil completely had I not reminded them of its necessity. After all, what is an herb garden without basil?

It took quite some time for the humans to finish planting and watering. I kept a close eye on them, pointing out which flowers should go where and nudging them towards items that needed more water. I'm quite particular about the placement of my greenery and I like a pattern to my flowers. They're more pleasing to the eyes that way, which is one of the major purposes of a garden, after all.



After a few long hours of hard labour on my part, I was finally able to take a well deserved rest. And now I can enjoy my fabulous garden for months to come.

The art of the game...

As any normal, warm blooded feline, I deal with a great deal of boredom on a daily basis. Yes, some of it is feigned boredom for the sake of the humans - we wouldn't want them getting too comfortable, now would we? But then there is the legitimate boredom that affects a cat with a lot of time on his paws and no ready access to the outside world. We must find new and different pastimes to entertain ourselves with. Pastimes worthy of our intellect.

One such activity which I recently discovered is the somewhat complex game of backgammon. Games of the board variety are not often left out for me to stumble upon, but this one just happened to be sitting out (quite coincidentally on one of those lovely days when a human decides to take my picture - my glorious, gorgeous picture). I gave it a good look over, instinctively picking up on the rules of the game.

There are dice, those funny little cubes with the bug-like spots on them. There are coins, just like human money, but seemingly useless when applied to the purchasing of turkey treats... There is a box that opens, lined with soft felt that I like to put my feet on. And there are markings for where the coins go. It's a two cat game, one colour per cat.

Learning to roll the dice and move the pieces took a bit of concentration, but with my generous helping of gray matter, I mastered that in no time. My feline friend and companion, Stetta, also picked up on the rules and the art of piece moving, and we were ready to play.

A few rousing games later, and it became clear to me that my feline companion had seemed to grasp the rules and skill of the game rather too well. If the scores are to be believed, she was victorious three times out of four. I maintain that she cheated, though I haven't quite figured out how...


However, there is always a weakness in any opponent, and I intend to keep at it until I have figured out hers and soundly beaten her. A day which will surely come swiftly given my dedication and supreme intelligence.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving....

I don't pretend to understand the humans. They have habits so strange as to be beyond the conception of even unusually intelligent beings such as myself. They submerse themselves completely in water for a bath rather than using their perfectly good tongues, they use strange instruments to deliver food to their mouths rather than going the easy route and just putting their face down to the meal, and they sit for hours at a time staring at a colourful box in the corner that speaks to them in their own language.

These are not habits that a cat can understand, and certainly not ones that he can participate with. Luckily, however, there comes the odd behaviour that can be quite entertaining to a feline. One such behaviour that comes to mind is the act of "gift giving." A strange ritual that the humans engage in on a seemingly random basis.

Now naturally, when offerings in any form are brought out, one must assume that they are for me. With opposable thumbs, humans can get whatever they want whenever they want it. But felines, while a superior race, are somewhat limited in the thumb department, so occasionally we must deign to accept something from the humans. If we're lucky, this includes food, catnip, and intellectual stimulation in the form a training device that rolls quickly across the floor emitting a bell-like sound.

Strange then that my offerings would be presented to me in a paper bag that I am told I cannot play with. And this wooden frame that I am told I cannot bite. Buried beneath this very light, crunchy paper that I am told I cannot tear apart with my exceptionally strong, white teeth.

What game are these humans playing at? Who offers an esteemed being catnip and training devices and then conceals them within items that they claim are not for his amusement? It is this brand of mind games that sets the humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. If a cat has an offering for their human, they tend to leave it somewhere visible and easily accessible, and they don't bother "wrapping" it, or disguising it in any way. A dead mouse is a dead mouse, you can't pretty that up. Perhaps it's not the most desirable gift (and humans rarely seem grateful for it), but at least it's honest. Not that I like mice, dead or otherwise, and thankfully have never seen one up close, but that's beside the point.

The point is that after all of my detective work, trying to find out how to claim my bounty without upsetting the humans by chewing their "wrappings," I am informed that these gifts are in fact not for me! What levels of deceit these humans will stoop to. To lead an innocent cat on for so long and then crush his hopes at the very end. To not even throw him a piece of crunchy paper to play with. How can they sleep at night?

Oh yes.... sleep at night. Of course. The time when humans are at their most vulnerable. Well then, I shall plot my revenge to fall upon this time when they are helplessly cast upon my mercy.... And my vengeance shall be swift.

Same CAT time, same CAT channel.....

Not everyone can be a super hero. Oh sure, you can save a kid from drowning or help a little old lady across a busy street, but that's just regular every day stuff. Super heroes have much more dangerous, secret, and impressive lives and duties. Things like redirecting asteroids to save the planet and holding up falling buildings. That is the kind of super hero I am.

A big part of being a super hero is keeping your true identity a secret. That is, of course, how a super hero maintains a sense of normalcy and keeps the throngs of paparazzi at bay. Recently, however, I made a slip up and was seen in my cape.

With a bit of quick thinking and ingenuity, I was able to turn this otherwise catastrophic event into something seemingly harmless. I located the nearest box and settled in, giving the humans the illusion that I was merely resting and enjoyed being covered in a "blanket" for warmth.

This seemed to work well, no uncomfortable questions followed, and I think (for now) my super hero identity remains secure. But I'll be keeping one eye open, just in case.....

Always eat your greens....

Fickle eater though I may be, there is always room in my tummy for anything full of chlorophyll. I can't get enough of green, green, green.

Generally, I prefer my greens to be freshly grown grass, spring is best, summer will do. However, in this new house I have yet to be allowed outdoors, and can see through the dining room window that there isn't a blade of the delicious greenery yet sprung from the mud.

How then is a cat of my nutritious needs to find his chlorophyll? Green beans. Yes, green beans. I realize that to most the thought of a cat wanting and actually enjoying a green bean is a strange thought. But bear in mind the factors that brought me to this state. I haven't had any fresh greens (excluding house plants, of which there aren't many remaining alive after the meals I have made of them) since last summer. Locked up in a house with nothing more than a few shredded plants has made the sight of a green bean a tempting one.

The green bean offered to me a few days ago was frozen. Contrary to popular belief, which would hold that a cat would not like a green bean and especially not a frozen one, this bean which a human held out to me was like a chlorophyll popsicle. I gnawed it until it was soft and then pulled it apart bit by bit. It was wonderful.

Thus, I have decided that until there is grass up and about and I am allowed a supervised trip outside to pounce and consume it, green beans will be my staple form of greens.

And in the meantime, I will dream back to the days when a carpet of grass was always at my ready....